Friday, November 27, 2009

My Declaration to Security Monitoring

I will hunt you down, Security Monitoring, and make your life a living hell.

On Monday, I will ring at midnight and wake your entire household just to tell you that your fridge alarm has reset

On Tuesday, I will ring at 11.30pm to inform you that the shop isn't sealed properly, even though Nightfill is still in the store

On Wednesday, I will ring at 1.30am to let you know that the intruder alarm is going off and a car will meet you in 10 minutes, even though you live an hour away. When you get to the store, the car will not be there and I will wait until 4am to ring you again asking where you are because the security guard is waiting for you

On Thursday, I will ring you at 12.30am, 12.50am and then again at 2am just to hear the sound of your voice

On Friday, I will ring you at 2am to tell you a fridge alarm is going off. I will wait until you get to the store and then ring back to inform you that I rang the wrong store manager. Your alarms aren't going off. I will ring you again at 4am, just as you're climbing into bed, to let you know that you didn't seal the store properly

On Saturday, I will ring you at 8pm, right in the middle of that romantic dinner you organised 6 weeks ago, to let you know about that pesky fridge alarm that keeps going off. I'll wait until you've deserted your wife and about to open the shop door to ring you back and let you know the alarm has reset. I will make sure I sound so chirpy that you want to knock me out

On Sunday, I will ring you at 6.30pm, only half an hour after you finish work to tell you about the intruder alarm. The security car meets you there, but the guard won't let you in until he's checked the shop. I'll ask him to take his time so that an hour later, you're allowed in the shop to reset the alarm. Then I will ring you at 10.30pm to tell you the shop isn't sealed

I vow to do this every day for five years.

I will ring you at 5am on Easter Sunday because the fridges are alarming. No family time for you.

I will also ring you at 1am on Christmas morning to tell you about the alarms that have reset. Then I will ring you again at 11am and tell you with my best Christmas spirit that the fridge alarms have gone off.

This I will do every Christmas and Easter for 10 years.

I do solemnly declare, Security Monitoring, that I will do the things stated above.

Signed:- The wife of the man you've harrassed for nearly a decade

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